For my day 3 post on NaBloPoMo I want to comment on the beautiful post by Alienorajt today regarding whether sex and love are the same thing.
I totally agree with her that they are not. In my experience – and as I am older I do have some experience – I have found that they are totally different and agree with her that we are indeed really lucky if we have an opportunity to find a relationship where the two merge even slightly.
When I was much younger I had sex with a man who enthralled me totally. He was not available to marry but if he had been I would have jumped at that chance. He was however a player – seeking sex in all the available places. So if I had married him I would have set myself up for a lifetime of pain.
And that pain would have been caused by our cultural insistence that once you have sex with someone they should be your possession for life.
With maturity and observation I came to realize that you can have sex with anyone. Although I have not always known how to go about that…..how to ask…or how to put myself into those positions. But you will only truly love a few people in your life. Maybe only one and you will not chose that person – it will be already decided the moment you meet.
I was married for many years to a man I loved. I loved him a lot. We had a good relationship but we were never “in love” and the sex was marginal at best. That was a battle I continued to fight until finally we were both looking for sex in other ways. This was a source of anger and frustration to me.
Only yesterday did I read a post on BlogHer that addressed the issue we had and it explained that we both had the right to look for sex for ourselves and that we should have tried to discuss what we each wanted and why it was not each other and perhaps decide to move on. Well that decision was made for us by death. But I don’t plan to ever go down that path again of committing to be with someone until death do us part – the getting bored or changing into something that was dissatisfied with the sex in our lives.
Now if you want to see an example of a beautiful love relationship that also includes delicious sex go to see the movie The Counselor – regardless of the fact that that love leads to great pain – doesn’t it always? But soak up the scenes and the beauty because the chances are very slim that you will ever experience anything CLOSE to it in your lifetime. And if you do it won’t last a long time….unless you are very, very mature and blessed along with your partner.
But furthermore – if you DON’T experience that beautiful sensual love or if you do and it goes away or if you have sex with a partner that becomes unfaithful….don’t blame yourself. Accept the reality that humans are not hard wired to be faithful for many years and try not to fall into a religious or moral path that requires that commitment to the detriment of your own sanity.